so here I am

Last night when I put my ear plugs in, all I could hear were the cries of the babies. 15 babies crying, at the same time. Had I dwelled on that sound alone, I wouldn't have gotten any sleep last night. It was so overwhelming that I almost took my ear plugs out and put my music back on.

Today, I couldn't handle being in the handicap room. Again, I was overwhelmed and spent about 15 minutes total there. I wanted to hide, simply because of my own fear. Fear that I have no idea what I am doing and it makes me uncomfortable. The grunts, the smells, the drool, all make me want to run and hide. And all I really wanted to do today was curl up with the book I am currently reading, listen to my iPod and hide.

I also couldn't handle the toddler's play time today. I sat in their room, watching the teacher pull out toys for these kids to play with. Imagine the toys you had when you were growing up. There always seemed to be a plethora. She has 27 kids and not enough toys for each one. And some of them aren't even toys. It's a bucket and a stick. It broke my heart. I felt like I should go to the store and buy enough for each. Their eyes pierce my soul, as if I'm the solution to their problems. They freaked out today when I broke out bubbles, something so simple bringing them so much joy.

I often wonder what my life will be like when I get back to Denver. I'm looking forward to my bed, my house, Illegal Pete's, the Bull and Bush, camping, clean air. I have so much, and these kids have so little and yet they are still excited over bubbles. I wonder if the lesson of simplicity is really what I am learning here. I have more than enough at home and could it be possible that I don't need any more iTunes songs, movies, meals out. But putting that expectation on the trip now could possibly ruin it for me. I need to let go and let what happens happen.

Collins, one of the boys in the handicap room, is always looking out for everyone else's needs before his own. What if I became more giving in that way? Not in a unhealthy way, through codependency or anything, but simply allowing people to go before me, listening more, giving where needed...

I don't know...these are all the things running through my head right now and all I want to do is sleep...damn hiding.