Perhaps I'm a little angry

This is funny, considering yesterday I was sad. We left Humura, after taking over 400 pictures of kids. Every kid we could imagine, we took pictures of. I actually can't wait to post them. Who knows how I will feel when I get home, but I'm hoping to get most of them up right away, especially after a shower and a load of laundry.

Anyway, back to the sadness. I didn't realize, or maybe didn't want to realize how hard it was going to be to leave these kids. For 2 weeks, as hard and sad as it was, they were my days. Getting bitten by a toddler, feeding Aaron, singing to the women, this is how my days were filled. I left the window open as we drove away yesterday, looking into eyes and faces of people I had seen for 2 weeks. I wanted to listen to my sad song, but just went over the lyrics in my head:

Shadowlands by Ryan Adams
God, please bring the rain
Yeah, and bring it soon
Let it flood right through the houses
Into Judy's room

With a father on amphetamines
Her mother hides the pearls
Reach out into the darkness
And find my little girl

'Cause she's angry like a salesman
That couldn't make a sale
Threw her wedding ring in the sewer
And damned them all to hell

Please lead her to the mountain
That you fashioned out of sand
While the roaches climb the walls
From the hotel where he calls

Most people never find a love
Most people never find a love
Sometimes you just can be a man
Sometimes you just can be a man
When your living in the darkness
Of the shadowlands
The shadowlands
The shadowlands

Last night after dinner, we sat around, looking through pictures and talking. We didn't have the energy to deal with what happened yesterday.

However, this morning I am angry.

We had decided that today, we would go to Kibera to help with a clean up project. It was disorganized (and not even Kenya disorganized). We stood around for 1.5 hours, waiting to be told what we would be doing. Once we started, we couldn’t do anything because we had too many people to help and when we would start doing something, we would be moved to another section. It was hard to feel accomplishment. However, that was when Jenn told me where all the trash we picked up was going. What I didn’t know was that all this trash was going to end up back in Dandora. That’s when I stopped.

I wasn’t about to continue the circle of making Dandora worse than it already is. Maybe that’s selfish, and if I’m known as the lazy American, I’m okay with that. But out of love for Julius, Emmanuel, and Julianna, I wasn’t going to participate.

What I appreciated about this morning (what Josie helped me process through later) was that it was cool to be with everyone in the midst of the clean up and see children take care of their community. I appreciated the opportunity to be with them all in the midst of the clean up, but it was hard to do nevertheless.

We left early, walking back to Nakumatt, soothing ourselves with Coke, chips and ice cream. I’ve listened to my angry song and I’ve cooled down a little bit, but I’m still angry and I’m ready to deal with the consequences. I had to stand up for something I believed in.

I really need the safari part of our trip. I’m ready to relax, maybe to the point of where I was at the Ritz in April. Maybe there I can figure out my next steps. I just know my life is forever changed due to my time here, I just don’t know what to do with it quite yet.

We don’t have access to internet (YIKES) while on safari, so I’ll be back in touch on Wednesday. Until then, my hope is for peace and relaxation because I definitely have a lot to consider.